Sunday, November 15, 2009

I Hate Commercial Auditions


I'm not one of those people with a big, natural grin on my face most of the time. I don't smile when I think of buying a new car. I don't cast a radiant glow when someone sends me a cookie bouquet.

I react naturally to everyday events. I can say the same line the exact same way 50 times for continuity. I cry on cue. I scream and yell believably. I take direction well. But, no, I don't go into raptures about buying car insurance.

I hate commercial auditions because 90% of the time, the casting person wants a big, natural-looking grin on the actor's face while they hawk anything from frozen peas to hemorrhoid cream. When I have to smile big for the camera for more than a minute straight, my cheeks start to shake from muscle exertion, and the top half of my face wrinkles in ways I didn't even know it could.

I need to be on those 10% of commercial auditions where they want a deadpan, natural, silly or sarcastic delivery. Like the audition I went on to play "Salt" (yes, the seasoning, Salt, but in human form) where I was told to read the script as if I were strung-out on Prozac, and then as if I was completely bored and boring. Even then, I didn't get the part.

This week I had a commercial audition to play a couple who just bought a new house with a bank loan. There was no script. We were told to improvise. I think I did a good job, and smiled well enough, but the guy I auditioned with kept kissing my hand during the improvised audition as a way of trying to show his affection for both his pretend-wife and his new home loan. I wanted to say, "Look here, Weirdo, I'm having a hard enough time with this audition without you slobbering on my hand and leering at me as you rhapsodize about lending rates." I kept my cool during the audition, but did not get the part.

I'm scared my agent might drop me if I don't land something soon. On the positive side, if they do drop me, I won't have to go on anymore commercial auditions.