Sometime Actress

Yes, I Get Paid

2012-01-22T18:23:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the long radio silence. I've been busy.

Lately friends have asked to be informed about theatre shows I do which are open to the public. (Most theatre shows I do are private performances for corporate functions or wealthy peoples' parties.) I'm sheepish about inviting friends to shows for a number of reasons.

1. I don't pay to watch any of my friends work. My friends will be the first to admit it would be boring to watch them work. Most of them type on computers and sit in meetings to earn money. I did have a few friends who worked as "dancers" (a.k.a. strippers) over the years. One lovely lady invited me to a burlesque show in which she was performing. Yes, we were friends who had changed clothes in front of each other many times. No, I didn't want to see her doing sexy striptease.

2. I don't have the luxury of offering free tickets and/or free meals to my friends. These little theaters and big restaurants where I perform need to make money. You know, so they can pay rent, utilities and the actors.

3. Dinner Mystery and/or new stage works by emerging playwrights may not be everyone's cup of tea.

4. Live theater is a collaborative effort. I'm not sure exactly how it will turn out. Despite my best efforts, it may suck. That's part of what makes live performances exciting and fun.

5. Friends (okay, frenemies) have come to shows in the past and been bitchy.

Like that one frenemy who announced to the whole audience that she didn't feel like she was talking to my dim-witted character when the fourth wall came down for a bit of audience interaction, but like she was talking to someone smarter. I was in character, dangit! I was dropping a clue that Bambi (my character) had some still waters running deep. Though Bambi presented herself as a sweet airhead, she was actually a conniving murderer who masterminded a poisonous plot. Did this frenemy apologize later? Nope.

Then there was that other time, after a show when another frenemy saw a guy walk up and hand me an piece of paper. "Oh my gosh. Did that guy just slip you his phone number? I'm going to tell your husband!" No. That guy was the show's director handing me a paycheck. "Oh... wait... you get paid?" Yes, Dummy-Dearest. I get paid to do my job. It's not exactly like your job, but it is a job.

When it Rains, It Pours on my Parade

2011-07-24T22:11:00.000-07:00

A few months passed with no communication from my agent: a virtual career drought. I thought perhaps they lost my number, and felt okay about that. This week, already very busy with the part-time job I took that's actually beyond full-time, I booked three auditions. It's raining auditions!

I did well at the first audition, but felt the client wanted someone older-looking and more matronly than I am. Fine by me that I don't look like the mom of a teenager. I made a good connection with a casting group I'd not met previously.

The second audition of the week was booked for early in the morning. I'm not fond of mornings. I'm a total night-owl. My talent agent told me that the casting guy, who I like and think is reasonably nice, wouldn't say what the product for the commercial was, but that it was something to do with green energy, perhaps solar or wind power. Sure, I'll get up early on my day off from my other job to promote green energy! Imagine my surprise, no, my dismay, to arrive at the audition and discover that the product/service/energy option being pimped is coal. I spent two years living in West Virginia, and have actually toured a coal mine. I'm no fan of coal, and do not find it to be "green" in any way. My audition provided some cutting-room-floor fodder... accidentally on purpose. The fact that I sacrificed sleep to go to that waste-of-time upset me.

The third audition of the week was another commercial. I took an extra long lunch-break from my other job for the appointment. The commercial shoot sounds like it will be fun, if a bit sweaty in the summer outdoors. I'd love to book this, but am pretty sure they're looking for an actual family, rather than a random sampling of strangers who look like they could be related.

Anybody got an umbrella?

More of a Hobby

2011-04-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

Most of the live/theater acting I do is either very well paid dinner mystery shows, very well paid team-building facilitation for corporations or not very well paid theater festivals. Occasionally the group I work with for the dinner mystery shows does performances that are open to the public at such... um, what's the opposite of prestigious, venues as Dave & Buster's or Spaghetti Warehouse. However, most shows are for private groups and are hosted in hotel ballrooms, historic bars, landmark restaurants, country clubs or even on a steam train.

In the past month, the group with which I work has had to cancel public shows due to lack of reservations and lack of interest. I'm not paid for the time I spent studying those two different scripts. Naturally, I'm not paid for shows not performed.

My income continues to fall. This acting thing continues to be less of a profession and more of an expensive hobby.

Where's some mailbox money (also known as "use of image" checks that arrive by mail) when I need it?

Act Naturally

2011-03-24T23:33:00.000-07:00

The good news: I'm getting much more comfortable with commercial auditions, as long as I'm not told to give a big grin and hold it for no reason. I'm proud of my auditions lately.

The even better news: I've had a few call-backs.

Now the bad news: But I haven't booked a commercial since August.

The count-my-blessings: I've had lots of paying theater and game facilitator work over the past two months. Hooray for paychecks!

Pay to Play

2011-03-17T22:32:00.000-07:00

I'm registered with four casting websites, because different casting agents like to use different sites. Each week I get emails from at least three of the four websites prompting me to activate the billing information and pay to have my information be more visible to clients of casting agents. My information is already visible to casting people at no charge to me. So, I really don't feel like paying to have my information more visible to their clients.

My talent agency wants $100 a year* to post my name, photo and a link to my acting résumé on the agency website. (This fee in addition to the 15% - 30% cut of each paycheck I earn from their bookings. They work for their cut of those checks, and I don't begrudge them that money.) *Please note that this fee is no guaranty of work.

This week I received an email directly from a casting director urging me (and countless other undisclosed recipients) to go to one of the casting websites to submit myself for a job. (I'm actually booked for one of the days the shoot would require, but thought I'd submit in the case that I could just work the other days.) Upon following the website link to submit myself for the job, I learned that I must either pay a monthly fee of $30* for unlimited submissions or a one-time fee of $5.00* per job submission. *Please note that this fee is no guaranty of work.

One of the casting websites sends out a monthly newsletter. A few months ago a column in the newsletter opined that it is unprofessional to complain about the expense of acting photos, job submissions and website fees. Of course one of the casting websites that wants $30 of my money each month would opine that I should pay them and not complain. I, on the other hand, opine that it is predatory to charge people to even apply to possibly audition for a job.

I'll just keep using the free features of these websites, thanks. And if the casting agent is professional, they won't make me pay to even submit myself for a job, because *please note that this fee is no guaranty of work.

I'd Like to Thank...

2011-02-27T17:50:00.000-08:00

My talented husband designed a website for E! online to track tweets with the Oscars hashtag (#oscars). I'm so proud of him. I had a physical sensation of surprise and happiness in my tummy when I saw his very cool website in action for the first time, followed almost instantly by a melancholy realization that my husband's accomplishment will be the closest I ever come to the Oscars.

PIC: Play It Cool

2011-01-17T22:15:00.000-08:00

It's oh-so-tempting to brag to all your friends, acquaintances and frenemies about getting to work on the set of a movie or television show. What happens when your line gets cut? What happens when your scene gets cut? What happens when the movie never gets picked up for distribution or television airtime? What happens when the television show gets cancelled before your episode airs? In my personal experience with all of the aforementioned situations, I tried to play it cool - with varying degrees of success.

My advice to all struggling actors is to play it cool. Sure, tell people in humble terms that you got to work on such-and-such set. Tell them how fun it was or wasn't. Go ahead and mention anyone famous you may have met, but don't make it sound like you're suddenly BFFs. Conversely, don't disparage the famous people you met. If the famous person/people behaved in a less-than-humanitarian manner, resist the urge to dish, and acknowledge that we all have bad days. Do NOT under any circumstances overstate your role in any project. If you worked as an extra, admit it graciously. If you have a line (or three), might I suggest the following phrase, "I may have a line (or three) in the project, but you never know until you see it. I'm not sure what will happen in editing." If that movie you were so excited to work on ends up being too silly for even the most melodramatic movie-of-the-week, and never shows anywhere, have a little giggle about it with your friends. Beat them to the punchline. Be thankful for the experience.

When the HBO movie on which you worked as an extra wins lots of Emmy Awards and a Golden Globe, be proud that you worked on the project, met some of the stars and got to go to the premiere. However, be ready for acquaintances to remark that they couldn't pick you out of the crowd. (Those acquaintances probably don't like their jobs and/or are stuck in a bad relationship.) Resist the urge to rattle off all the names of all the famous people you've met, worked with, eavesdropped on, shaken hands with, had friendly conversations with or held doors open for on set. Play it cool.

A Real Paycheck

2011-01-15T14:07:00.000-08:00

About the time I start thinking I want a real job with a predictable work schedule and a steady income, the acting work and acting paychecks start rolling in again. I have several dinner theatre shows booked this month. Each performance generates nice checks. I also got my first taste of "mailbox money" in the form of a "use of image" check for that national SAG commercial I did back in August. Not only was I paid very well for the long day of shooting the commercial in which I appear in the background as a blurry shadow, but I also get quarterly checks for as long as the commercial runs. A girl could get used to cashing "use of image" checks!

Despite the recent flurry of paychecks, I still long for a more predictable schedule with more steady work. I'd have to move to L.A. to have a chance of fulfilling my ultimate dream of being a sitcom mom or the recurring wacky aunt character on a long-running show. Goodness knows it won't happen in my current city. (I did work as an extra on a TV show this fall in my city, but the show was cancelled after the second episode aired.)

My contract with my talent agent comes up for renewal in six months. I've had many commercial auditions resulting in a handful of callbacks, but no real work resulted from these auditions. When I did the SAG commercial, I didn't audition. The casting person simply chose my photo from my talent agency's website after my agent confirmed that I was available for the shoot. I knew that making it as an actress would be difficult, but I didn't realize how much emphasis would be placed on commercial work. I'm an actress; not a skinny, blond spokesmodel. I honestly won't be sad if my agent chooses not to renew my contract. I'll still do theatre work with or without an agent. Although the theatrical performances don't pay as well as the SAG commercial, I have more fun doing them, get to work with a cohesive group of actors consistently and do some actual acting versus walking around the background and/or smiling until my face contorts into muscle spasms.

Six Degrees of Separation

2010-10-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

My wonderfully supportive better-half previously worked in advertising. Though he took off to pursue other ventures over eighteen months ago, we still socialize with his ad buddies. I knew the day would come when I'd have to audition for one of our acquaintances. That day was Saturday.

Mercifully the audition was taped by a casting director (this one I like quite well) to be viewed by our quirky yet intimidating, advertising-guru-friend a later time.

I did not get the part.

I hope that the next time I see this person from the ad company, neither of us mentions the audition tape. It wasn't that I did a bad job. I did a good (not great) job. The whole situation is just a bit awkward.

Thank goodness I never had to audition for any commercial projects my better-half produced. That would have been unbearable.

SAG Overtime Rocks my Checking Account!

2010-10-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

About six weeks ago I complained about the horrendous overtime I worked on a commercial shoot. That was before I knew what a nice paycheck all that overtime would yield on a shoot adhering to Screen Actors Guild rules. I'm not saying that I suddenly decided I enjoyed the sixteen-hour day (or nineteen-hour day including drive time), but I'd do it again for that amount of money. My financial and time investments into getting a talent agent have payed off. (Yes, my lovely, hardworking agents secured this job for me.) I've broken even. Hallelujah!

The oddest part of this adventure into SAG-Overtime-Land is that no one will see me in the commercial. At best I'll be a blur in the background - a very expensive blur.

I'm happy to have the money, but I'm sure whoever got stuck with all the unexpected expenditures of that (out of control and way over budget) commercial shoot is not at all happy to pay the many people involved in the project. The lesson: don't make actors and crew do the time if you can't pay for your crime. Sheriff SAG patrols these here parts, and he suffers no fools.

So That's What it Feels Like

2010-10-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

I finally had a good, no, a great commercial audition! I tried out for two different roles in a series of commercials. The first role went well enough, but I had a little trouble with the second role. The casting director (one that scares the bejeezus out of me) gave a few constructive notes and sent me back out to the hallway to work. Fifteen minutes later I marched back into the audition room and nailed it! The uber-intimidating casting director smiled big (the first time I've seen this person smile genuinely) and said, "Great job! Nice adjustment!" I was so pleased, I gave a "woo!" of joy right there in the room.

I did not get the part (unless they're waiting four weeks to announce casting), but having a great commercial audition raised my confidence for-sure. And that casting director no longer scares the bejeezus out of me. I'm all for constructive direction!

Not at all Glamorous

2010-09-01T14:03:00.000-07:00

Late Sunday evening, I got a call from my agent that I booked a role as a customer for a national SAG commercial. Score! I'd need to drive 90 miles each way to another city for the shoot, but I'd be reimbursed for mileage. Great! I got an email letting me know when I needed to be where and what type of clothes to bring. Can do!

A mere twelve hours after my agent's phone call, I arrived at the location and was directed into a parking spot. I signed in and did my paperwork. One of the production ladies told me that the call time was pushed back half an hour, didn't I get the message?, no, oh well. My first half hour would be unpaid. No big! I asked about my mileage reimbursement. The Production Assistant and the Production Coordinator whispered to each other that I would not be eligible for mileage money, but they never bothered to answer me directly.

Then I sat in an air-conditioned trailer for about ten hours chatting with other cast and crew members, reading a magazine cover-to-cover, drinking water, nibbling stale pretzels and texting my husband about how bored I was.

Finally I was ushered to the set. I rehearsed the short scene a few times. Then the director decided he didn't like what I was wearing, and sent me with the wardrobe lady to change clothes. He wanted me in a style of clothes completely different from all the clothes I was instructed to bring, and had lugged into the wardrobe room. Thank goodness the wardrobe ladies were prepared for such contingencies and steamed the wrinkles out of an outfit for me. Thank goodness the outfit fit my curvy figure. I had to leave the itchy price-tags attached and tucked into the clothes against my skin, so that the wardrobe peeps can return the worn clothes when the shoot is over. Ewww.

I went back to set, where the director approved of the new outfit. I spent half an hour walking back and forth pretending to admire goods in the store. Because the shoot was running so far behind schedule, and because the sun had set, super-bright lights were employed to make it look like daytime. The super-bright lights inspired lots of sweat and high temperatures. When sound is being recorded, the air-conditioners and fans must be turned off so as not to interfere with the sound. Cue more sweat.

After finishing my scene, I exited the sweaty set to get a cold drink and cool off. Within ten minutes, a Production Assistant was sent to wrangle me back into the sweaty room, where I was instructed to sit and wait out of view and out of the way in case they needed me again. So I sat. And sat. And sat. For another four hours. Finally one of the guys who actually gave a hoot about the budget asked why I, along with two other actors, were still there. Could we go? Hold on. They'll check. Ten minutes later, we were allowed to leave. I put my own clothes back on my body. I lugged all of my clothes, shoes and accessories back to my car. None of the strong men standing around offered to help me. I got in my car and drove 90 miles home, singing loudly with all the AC vents pointed at my face to stay awake.

Making commercials, movies and TV shows is not at all glamorous. Red carpet events and movie premieres are only about 1% of the job and only for the top 1% of celebrities. You've been warned, aspiring actors and crew.

Friend in Common/Awful Audition

2010-08-03T22:13:00.000-07:00

Today's audition was of the commercial variety. (Faithful readers know how much I loathe commercial auditions.) The maker of a high-tech medical gizmo wants video of a spokesperson inviting medical professionals into their booth at trade shows. Since I am not currently a medical professional, and never have been, I spent a while googling all the medical jargon and the gizmo. I figured out what was what in the script and memorized the 3/4 page of copy.

I showed up for the audition today feeling fine. While I waited for my turn, I noticed the casting lady eyeballing me every time she came out into the waiting area. This is a new casting lady that I'd never met before. When I got into the actual audition room, the casting lady introduced herself. She said I looked soooo familiar to her and that my name was also familiar. We spent a few minutes figuring out that we have a fancy producer/director friend in common. This fancy friend forwarded my headshot and acting résumé to the casting lady a few months ago. Thanks so much, fancy friend!

Then I started my audition for the medical gizmo. I stumbled over my words and said the multi-letter, multi-number product name incorrectly. I got all kinds of nervous and generally gave the worst audition of my life. The casting lady was super-nice about it and gave me a second chance, which was also awful. By the time she said, "cut", for my audition tape, all I could do was smile at her sheepishly and say, "I'm sorry." She smiled and said not to worry about it. She said she would tell our fancy friend that she finally got to meet me. Great... I hope she doesn't tell him how utterly dreadful my audition was. Blerg.

It's a Boy!

2010-08-03T22:05:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday's audition went well. I did not get the part, but I did get in front of the casting folks for the new ABC television series My Generation which films in my hometown. This is a win-win situation that I didn't get the part actually, because if I had gotten the part, I would have to act like I was having a baby (one of the male leads for the show). I've never given birth to a baby, but the casting ladies said I did a great job in my audition. I hope that now that they have met me, they will remember me when a part comes along that I might be good for that does NOT involve me acting like I'm giving birth.

Positive Energy

2010-07-28T00:07:00.000-07:00

I don't like to jinx things. Loyal readers, please send me happy thoughts Thursday around 1:00 PM Central Time. I have an audition. It's not for a commercial. I'll divulge more after the audition.

I'm also just emerging from a miserable stomach bug. Ugh. I'm gonna get lots of rest Wednesday while I prepare for the audition.

I want to take a second and wish all of you well in your endeavors! Break a leg! Best wishes! Go get 'em, Tiger! Whether you're job-hunting (Ms. J), auditioning, pitching a big proposal or have an adult league kickball game (Ms. R), I hope it goes well and you have some fun in the process or at least gain some interesting anecdotes.

Group hug! No? Maybe next time.

Finally!

2010-07-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

I've broken the infinite loop of annoyance in regards to the casting website! It took quite a bit of sleuthing on my part to unravel the tangled misdirections. Luckily, I have lots of experience playing the detective in those dinner mystery shows I do.

The very nice casting director misspelled my last name when adding me to the website. Even though I corrected the misspelling, my name did not appear correctly. I had to create a whole new account with the correct spelling.

My agency sent me their code for the website in all lower-case letters. The code did not work. After several frustrating attempts to log on to the website, I tried the code in all capital letters. Success! Access granted!

Creating the new account, updating my résumé and uploading photos took about three hours. Troubleshooting this whole mess of where my account disappeared to and why the website would not admit me took four hours and many, many curse words.

Anyone who says that acting is not work is a misinformed fool.

Caught in an Infinite Loop of Annoyance

2010-07-12T14:36:00.000-07:00

Last week I received a strongly worded email from my agent reprimanding those of us who have not signed up for a certain casting website service, and further reprimanding those of us who have signed up for the service for not adding photos to our profiles. A casting director created an account for me on this website service many months ago. I updated my profile and size information as directed by an email from the service. I thought that everything was fine.

My agency wants all of the talent to also upload photos and résumés to this casting website. The email from my agency insists that it's easy to add these items and that each person must take care of this for themselves.

However, the casting website says that our talent agent should create our accounts and upload our photos. Also, the agent code that my agency gave me (after I emailed them to ask for help) to log into the website does not work.

So my agency says I have to update my materials for the website for myself. The website says that my agent has to update my materials for me.

I'm annoyed: at myself for surely missing something obvious here; at my agency for not providing clear, step-by-step instructions on how to create the accounts for this website service; at the website architects for not making the website more user-friendly. There is no section on the website for "help" or "frequently asked questions".

I saved the original email from the website service that links to my profile information. I followed the link again, and there is no spot or further link for me to add photos or résumé to my profile. I simply get a dead-end message that thanks me for updating my profile.

Holiday Weekend? Too bad.

2010-07-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning I received an email from my agent that I need to tape myself doing an audition and email it. I ignored the email because it is a holiday weekend. I'll get to it Monday. Also, if I get the part (which I won't) I'll have to go to another state to film the commercial - a state not known for their tourist trade.

When taping auditions, I need someone else to operate the camera, good natural light, absolute silence on this busy street on which I live, absolute silence from my pets, a monochromatic backdrop that is not lighter than my skin tone. I have to slate before and after my lines. Then I beg my husband to help me upload and send the video in the proper format. This all takes time, not to mention the time it takes me to put together the right outfit, fix my unruly hair and apply makeup enough that my features show up on the consumer grade video, but not so much that I look like a Vegas showgirl.

I hope my hardworking agent, who had to take time out of her holiday weekend to email me, understands when she doesn't get my video until Monday afternoon.

Weirdest. Request. Ever.

2010-06-18T23:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe it wasn't the absolute weirdest request ever, but certainly the weirdest one I've heard at an audition. I got a notification for another audition this week. This audition would be in town (cool) with no lines to memorize (great), but I had to wear business attire (not my fave, but okay). So I put on my stockings and my skirt suit with jacket in 97 degree weather and made the short journey to the audition. This one was with a casting guy I like pretty well. He's never made me smile until my face contorted with muscle spasms. I've never left an audition with him wanting to cry.

As he's leading me into the audition room, he asks if I've done any stunt work. Nope. He asks if I ever ride horses. It's been a while, but yes. He asks if I'd be comfortable riding a mechanical bull. Um... do you mean today... in my skirt suit with jacket and stockings? Spoiler alert: I did not have to ride the mechanical bull at the audition. Phew! What a relief! However, I might have to ride one if cast. Then the casting guy instructed me to say on my audition tape that I would only ride the mechanical bull if there was proper padding on the ground and if the stunt was choreographed and supervised for safety. Gulp! So I said that on my audition tape. The casting guy was looking out for my well-being, kind of. I knew there was a reason I liked him, kind of.

It's been thirty-six hours and no word. I probably don't have to worry my pretty little head about getting on the bull. The more I think about it though, the more fun it sounds, kind of.

But It's with Darrell!

2010-06-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

I don't shop at that-big-chain-store-that-shall-not-be-named. In general, I don't like the concept of big-box stores, and hate the experience of shopping in them even more. I try to keep my sales tax money and my purchasing at local businesses when I can. When I can't find items locally, I buy online and have my purchases conveniently delivered to my porch.

Imagine my chagrin when I was asked, with only sixteen hours notice, to drive three hours each way to a different city to be audition for that-big-chain-store-that-shall-not-be-named commercial. My initial reaction was to do like Nancy Reagan urged, and just say no. Then I read the script and saw that the commercial will be with Darrell, the current commercial spokesman for that-big-chain-store-that-shall-not-be-named. I love that guy. He exudes charm and humor. He nails the delivery. He makes me turn the sound back on during his commercials and actually watch.

I rearranged my schedule, memorized the commercial script, and drove three hours each way (uphill both ways) for that audition. The casting lady for this audition, who just happens to be my favorite casting lady, said I did a good job, but it's been over forty-eight hours with no news. And you remember that no news (all together now) is bad news for professional actors.

Oh well. I won't get to meet Darrell, but I also won't endorse a place I don't want to endorse.

Disclaimer: If by some miracle, I do land the commercial, I'll be deleting this blog post faster than ice cream melts on a hot day in Texas.

What am I Doing?

2010-06-14T23:24:00.000-07:00

First, the good news: I got paid for acting in a dinner mystery show Friday. The audience seemed to enjoy it. I had fun. I also got some free food. That was nice.

I had an audition last week for some actual acting in a film; not a commercial! The character for which I auditioned dies early in the script, but I gave that audition my best. I remembered all the lines, in the correct order even! The casting people only made me do one take, and said "great job!" with sincere smiles. The film's budget is low, but is SAG scale!

Now, the bad news: I have not heard a peep from either my agent or the casting people about the movie. Remember that in the professional actor's life, no news is BAD news. Dadgummit!

What do I think I'm doing trying to be a professional actress? Maybe I'll just go back to being an "extra". There's a much lower barrier to "extra" work, and it usually pays, unlike all of these fruitless auditions I've been going on for nearly a year.

I have a hopeful fear that my agency will drop me soon. Hopeful because if they drop me, I won't have to go on any more of these painful, high-pressure auditions. Fear because I don't want to be dropped. It's like getting fired or dumped.

Expensive Wakeup Call

2010-05-25T23:00:00.001-07:00

I got an email today from a thoughtful, well-connected friend asking if I'd like to do some voiceover work later this week. Due to the tight turnaround time, I'd need to submit my voice reel rather than audition. Um, yeah, I've neglected to make a voice reel. I know of a class I can take in town that teaches voiceover techniques. The class costs $250, and does not include production of a voice reel. There was a lady in town who taught voiceover and helped students make a professional reel, but she does not have any future workshops scheduled. I've heard that her series of classes to get a voice reel run about $600.

Very sheepishly, I emailed my well-intentioned friend and admitted that I don't have a voice reel. She encouraged me by stating that it was too bad, because, "I know you could knock this one out of the park."

I'm at a crossroads. My pursuit of a professional acting career is getting ridiculously expensive. In 2009, I spent over $1500 on actor photos, acting classes/workshops and web hosting fees for my acting website. This "business" feels like such a racket.

For several years prior to 2008, I did only stage acting. I made good money doing dinner theater shows and so-so money acting in shows at small, local theatres. I sometimes brought photos of myself to auditions, but did not have to pay for professional headshots. I didn't take any acting classes, because I was too busy holding down day jobs and actually acting.

The jump from stage to screen acting has been so flipping expensive it boggles my mind. I've had limited, small successes with small paychecks for my screen work. I booked all those roles myself, combing the actor resource websites each day and hustling to get work. In the interest of total disclosure, I have not booked a single job based on auditions arranged by my agent. They send me on commercial auditions, and I'm not a super-smiley, fast-talker as I've previously mentioned on this blog. I'm an actress, dangit; not a talking head.

My quandaries: whether or not to pour more money into new headshot photos as requested by my agent; whether or not to pour more money into a voiceover class and making a voice reel; whether or not to pour more money into more classes in hopes of getting myself out there and making some new connections. My instinct tells me to cut and run. I can still do stage work and make a bit of money without all of these expensive prerequisites. However, I worry that I might later regret not making more of a wholehearted/whole-wallet attempt at an acting career.

Add to this heap of insecurity the fact that I don't live in Los Angeles. If an actor wants a screen role with more than three lines, it is typically cast in LA, not in the actual city where the project is filming. Even Law & Order is leaving New York City for LA. Now those New York actors are stuck with mostly stage prospects. My city calls itself "the third coast", but there are more projects filming in Michigan and Louisiana than here over the past few years.

What's a sometime actress to do?

I do not want to pay for more photos. I swear my look has not changed over the past eleven months since my last (expensive) photo session. And my look had not changed in the thirteen months since the previous photo session. If I get a tattoo on my face or chop/dye my hair drastically, then I might be persuaded to pay for new photos.

I think I will take the $250 voiceover class. Maybe I can make my own voice reel on the computer after hearing some other actors' voice reels.

I might also take a dialect class that I've been intrigued by for a few years, but not bother with classes that seem more like expensive networking and less like true instruction.

I'll Never Be Famous

2010-05-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

There is not much going on in my professional acting life recently.

I emceed an interactive dinner mystery show for a group of Shriners a few weeks ago. The Shriners were polite, fun and paid on time.

I could have worked as an extra in the stands of a football game for Friday Night Lights this weekend. Seeing as how "featured extra" is already on my résumé for that show, I declined to work 16 hours outside in late May in Texas.

At this rate, I'll never be famous. No unflattering photos of me in Star, Us Weekly or People. No one hounding me for an autograph while I'm in line for a public bathroom. No borrowing blood-diamonds from Harry Winston for the red carpet events.

Actually, I'm fine with this.

Call Me Debbie Downer

2010-04-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

You know those people who you avoid hanging out with because of their unbridled pessimism and bad attitude? When it comes to my commercial auditions, I'm such a Debbie Downer. I wince each time I see my agent's phone number on the caller ID, because 95% of the time they have an audition for me, it's a commercial audition. I should do a little happy dance and adjust my attitude to be grateful for opportunity, but instead I wonder what foolishness I'll have to endure at the audition. I get especially peeved when I have to drive to another city for an audition, like I did today, during a monsoon no less.

Today's audition was for the role of the non-speaking, but super proud, mom in a teach-your-kids-to-read product endorsement. The positives: the casting agent was politely professional and totally put me at ease; no face-muscle spasms; the little girl I auditioned with was so cute and had an instant rapport with me; the casting agent genuinely thanked me for auditioning. The negatives: the aforementioned driving to another city in hard rain on slick freeways with 70 MPH speed limits - which meant everyone drove 85 MPH despite the rain; saw lots of wrecks and near-misses on driving trip; the little girl I auditioned with was supposed to be able to read, but clearly couldn't; the little girl's mom was not a happy camper and claimed that the talent agent didn't relay the audition information to her. It's a cardinal sin to blame things on your talent agent. Most of the time, they're BFFs (or at least pretend to be for professional reasons) with the casting people. Anything you say can, and will, be used against you, and will be relayed to your talent agent. No smack-talk! Get your details straight. Call or email your agent if you have questions.

Kiss the ground! I made it home in one piece. If I get a call-back audition for this role, I'll have to drive to a different city that's even farther away. Uh-oh, here comes Debbie Downer hoping she doesn't get a call-back. Oh, DD, hush. No one wants to hear that stinkin' thinkin'.

In case you were in suspense about my last post, I did not get the burger commercial. I'm still a vegetarian who doesn't buy leather or animal-based epoxies. Never say never though...

Vegetarian in Burger Commercial?

2010-04-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't eaten red meat for eight years, and no poultry or fish in three years. I haven't bought leather in years either. Wednesday I have an audition for a burger chain commercial. Umm...

During the audition, we'll be biting into empty burger buns. That's vegetarian friendly, so no worries. It's probably a non-issue since I'm bad at commercial auditions and have only been in one TV ad campaign to date. (It was also for a restaurant chain. I had to drink cranberry juice posing as wine and eat vegetarian spaghetti and marinara sauce. Totally fine, except for the cursed 5:00 AM call time.)

The funny coincidence is that lately, I've had some pretty powerful cravings for meat. Not for hormone-free, antibiotic-free, free-range chicken; but for a greasy, questionably raised, red meat hamburger. With cheese. From the particular restaurant chain that I'm auditioning for the commercial.

Here's how I see it: I'm not good at commercial auditions what with the crazy smiling face-muscle spasms, so I probably won't be cast, and can try really hard to continue my vegetarian/no-leather-wearing ways despite the growing frequency of meat cravings and growing cuteness of leather shoes. However, if by some miracle of miracles I am cast for the commercial, I will tell myself that my body is craving meat, so I must need it, and that when I ate meat, I enjoyed this burger chain above all others, so it's a true endorsement, and I will enjoy every bite of that burger. With cheese.

Fun Day at the Lake... In the Snow

2010-02-27T09:48:00.000-08:00

Sunday I went kayaking in the most beautiful, lovely spring-like weather. Then Tuesday I watched marvelous fat snowflakes fall and blanket my yard with an inch-and-a-half of cold beauty. The street in front of my house was slushy. My 55-pound, sweet, mixed-breed dog did not find the weather as delightful as I did. She refused to walk far, even (or maybe especially) in her doggy parka. Tuesday also happened to be the day I auditioned for a boat commercial. The casting call said to wear clothes for "a fun day at the lake". Thankfully the audition was not at the lake, but at a hotel meeting room. Like most sane people would, I wore snow-appropriate clothes to the hotel, then changed into my lake wardrobe in the lobby bathroom. At least two people I saw walked into the lobby (from the snowy parking lot) in shorts, tee-shirt and flip-flops. Maybe they were raised in the arctic north and thought that Tuesday's high temperature of 34 degrees Fahrenheit was toasty-warm. Maybe I'm a wuss about the cold.

There were kids at this audition too. Some cuter and much better behaved than others. One little dude was very professional and polite, waiting patiently with his mom in the lobby and following directions to the letter. The young man who auditioned with me was a bit more spirited and wily. He was six-years-old, and told the casting lady that he liked his backyard pool, but that there was NO way he would get in a lake. Of course the boat to be featured in the commercial would not fit into his pool, so I doubt he'll get cast.

While in the waiting area, I witnessed two siblings (a girl and a boy) arrive with their harried-looking mom. The children squawked noisily at each other and started pulling on doors despite the audition facilitator asking them to please have a seat and wait quietly. Finally the facilitator had to say, "Please don't go in there yet. They're filming other people right now. You need to be quiet." The little girl puffed out her chest and cheeks and pronounced loudly to her mother and anyone else in the captive audience, "this is no fun at all. Let's go." The she swanned grandly down the hall. The mom did not apologize for her daughter's haughty proclamation. I'm guessing that neither of those siblings will be cast.

As a former receptionist, let me tell you that when arriving for a job interview or audition, you should behave appropriately and politely to everyone. EVERYONE. Whether it's the doorman, the receptionist or the other people in the waiting area, word will get back to the hiring/casting powers if you behave poorly. I know at least one casting director that admits to placing spies in the waiting area to help identify brats of all ages.

My audition went well. No face spasms from forced insincere smiles! During the tell-us-a-little-about-yourself segment I think I got bonus points for telling about how I spent my summers at my grandparents lakehouse learning to water-ski and slalom. (Nothing but the truth.) I should know by Tuesday if I got the part -- fingers crossed.

In the acting world, no news is actually bad news. The "don't call us, we'll call you" line is true. Also, when auditioning to be part of a family, you have to look like you belong with the significant-other and like the offspring could be yours. I'm up against luck, skill and genetics for this particular commercial since it will feature a pretend family. Please, please don't make me be the pretend mom of that haughty little girl from the waiting area.

Human After All

2010-02-08T23:19:00.000-08:00

No weird facial tics during the commercial audition today. Phew! I don't think I'll get the part though, because there are fifty lovely ladies up for a single role. The odds aren't with me.

I auditioned with the same casting lady from Saturday. While waiting in the hall for my turn in front of the camera, I witnessed casting lady listen to a voice-mail informing her that half of the extras she already booked for another commercial were cut because of the budget. Casting lady got a little misty-eyed at having to tell ten people that the commercial job they thought they had wasn't going to happen after all. Casting lady excused herself for a moment then came back into the hall and explained to all waiting that she knows rejection is tough for actors. She said she feels our pain when she has to pull-the-plug on a part we thought we had.

Casting lady then came into the audition room with me, and chatted me up about some past projects we worked on together. She was really nice. That's probably why I made it through today's audition without any face spasms.

Super...

2010-02-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

Just after my last blog post I got an email that I have another commercial audition with the same casting lady Monday. She's made it clear that I look middle-aged to her, so I hope the client is looking for an older actress.

Last night while watching TV, I remembered that yesterday's casting lady is the same casting lady who asked me if I'd do nudity for a twenty-something character in a movie a few months ago. I told her I wanted to be audition for the thirty-something soccer mom, and... (wait for it...) she said I looked too young to be the soccer mom.

Have I aged ten years in a matter of months? I think not. Maybe casting lady got new glasses.

Another Flippin' Commercial Audition

2010-02-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

It's old news that I hate commercial auditions. I want to cry after most of them. I get nervous before a commercial audition -- not the good, healthy nervousness that provides an extra jolt of energy and sparkle; more like the bad nervousness that makes my mouth go dry and my cheek muscles shake with effort when I smile big about the product. Ugh. I probably look like I have some sort of nervous facial tic in most auditions.

I found out about today's audition at 4:00 PM yesterday. I already had plans to attend book club out in the suburbs this morning, which I very much looked forward to attending. Then I got four emails and three phone calls yesterday afternoon for this audition. If you are alive, you are expected to attend auditions. There are no excused absences for illness, bad hair day or previous plans. You MUST go. So I only got to stay at book club for an hour before making the forty-five minute drive downtown to my audition.

The audition was for a home decor supply store. The scene is a mother and twenty-something daughter shopping for home decor supplies and then telling all their acquaintances how great the service, selection and prices are at the store. I was supposed to be reading for the twenty-something daughter, and memorized the lines for that part. When I arrived at the audition, the casting lady walked in and said, "you're the mom". What the frak?! I know that I'm actually in my mid-thirties, but on a good day I pass for late-twenties. There's no way I look fifty. So I smile and nod (while trying not to cry) and memorize the Mom's lines quickly. I try to roll with the punches -- emotional punches delivered straight to my insecurities.

I walk into the audition room. The client, who happens to be a man, says twice that I should read for the daughter, not the mom. The client-man says I look like I'm in my twenties and there's no way I should be the mom. The casting lady does not like this, and says I look middle-aged and that I could only be the daughter if they go with a much older actress for the mom. Twice. She says this twice. The client-man then says AGAIN that I look young. Thank you, client-man, really.

So I do an okay audition and remember the lines even though they've switched up my parts twice. I smile. I take a note on delivery of one of the lines from the client-man and do it again. Then it happened, right at the end of the second take, my cheek muscles shook a bit from smiling so long and so big combined with utter nervousness and humiliation.

Fail.

Can I Quit?

2009-12-12T21:16:00.001-08:00

I've been doing a bit of dinner theater lately, but not much else acting-wise. (See previous post about how I loathe commercial auditions, and apparently turn into Adbuster McNosmile the second the camera turns my way, thus not landing any commercial roles.) I feel uninspired, unmotivated and blah about my "craft" of late.

My agency now wants $70 to put me on their website. One of the agents told me she wants me to get new headshots soon. Photo sessions run a minimum of $300, and usually more like $450. Ugh.

Most of the live theater and even the new movies I see of late are... how to put this kindly... an utter waste of my precious time. Just awful. So why would I want to be in these productions? Frankly, it's discouraging.

Can I quit?

The one bit of encouraging news lately: I got free tickets to an Austin Film Festival showing of the movie Temple Grandin premiering in February. I did a very short scene as a 1965 flight attendant with Claire Danes in this movie last year for HBO. I hope my scene wasn't cut, and that this movie finally shows on HBO soon.

I Hate Commercial Auditions

2009-11-15T20:49:00.001-08:00

I'm not one of those people with a big, natural grin on my face most of the time. I don't smile when I think of buying a new car. I don't cast a radiant glow when someone sends me a cookie bouquet.

I react naturally to everyday events. I can say the same line the exact same way 50 times for continuity. I cry on cue. I scream and yell believably. I take direction well. But, no, I don't go into raptures about buying car insurance.

I hate commercial auditions because 90% of the time, the casting person wants a big, natural-looking grin on the actor's face while they hawk anything from frozen peas to hemorrhoid cream. When I have to smile big for the camera for more than a minute straight, my cheeks start to shake from muscle exertion, and the top half of my face wrinkles in ways I didn't even know it could.

I need to be on those 10% of commercial auditions where they want a deadpan, natural, silly or sarcastic delivery. Like the audition I went on to play "Salt" (yes, the seasoning, Salt, but in human form) where I was told to read the script as if I were strung-out on Prozac, and then as if I was completely bored and boring. Even then, I didn't get the part.

This week I had a commercial audition to play a couple who just bought a new house with a bank loan. There was no script. We were told to improvise. I think I did a good job, and smiled well enough, but the guy I auditioned with kept kissing my hand during the improvised audition as a way of trying to show his affection for both his pretend-wife and his new home loan. I wanted to say, "Look here, Weirdo, I'm having a hard enough time with this audition without you slobbering on my hand and leering at me as you rhapsodize about lending rates." I kept my cool during the audition, but did not get the part.

I'm scared my agent might drop me if I don't land something soon. On the positive side, if they do drop me, I won't have to go on anymore commercial auditions.

Opportunists Knock Often

2009-09-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

I hate, hate, hate it when I reveal to people (actors and non-actors alike) that I get paid to perform in dinner theater shows, and their first response is to tell me they want a piece of the action.

The conversation goes like this for actors:

Actor-acquaintance: You get paid for the dinner theater?

Me: Yes. Dinner theater shows can be fun, but the audiences are not typically your usual theater patrons. They can sometimes be a tough crowd, and it takes a lot of energy to keep their attention. Plus it's not high-art. So I probably wouldn't do these shows for free.

Actor-acquaintance: I'd love to get paid for theater work. When are the next auditions?

Me: We already have a close-knit group of performers involved. The last time we cast a new actor was when one of our longtime actors died. But I'll totally pass along your photo and résumé to the director. Maybe someone else from my close-knit group will kick the bucket in an untimely manner.

The conversation goes like this for non-actors:

Non-actor-acquaintance: You get paid for those skits?

Me: Yes. It's not volunteer work. I don't do it for my health.

Non-actor-acquaintance: I was a tree in my third-grade class school play. I could make some extra money doing skits.

Me: That sounds great. I'll just need your 8x10 actor photos and your acting résumé to pass along to the director for the next round of auditions. You have monologues ready, right? Oh, and who is your talent agent?

I think I've made my point.

Not Smiling? Just Buy It!

2009-09-04T21:54:00.000-07:00

I've been on two commercial auditions over the past few months. The first was an audition for home equity loans from a certain credit union. I had to wear shorts and a tank top to the audition because, if cast I would need to wear a swimsuit with a modest cover-up. At the audition, it was clear that the casting people wanted to check out our bods without sending us to the pole on the center stage. I didn't own any shorts other than workout shorts, because I usually wear a skirt or a dress if it's too hot for pants. Also, I'm not ten-years-old at summer camp. Thank goodness I found some cute, dressy shorts for cheap at Target. I do love me some Target.

The audition went well. The other actress I auditioned with thanked me for being so nice. Are other actors not nice at auditions? It's like a job interview. One should be on their best behavior. Few of us want to cast or hire someone nasty, petty or diva-like in their behavior.

I also met a casting director there who complimented my audition. Though I did not get the part, I got some good audition practice and made valuable connections.

My second commercial audition was for a car dealership. Naturally, I won't reveal which dealership, or what brand of cars they sell other than to admit that I would NEVER buy any of these vehicles. I practiced for the audition the night before in front of the mirror. I made sure to gesture at the car so that my arm muscles looked all flexed and defined. I practiced talking super-fast and enunciating while smiling the whole time, the way that all good automobile spokespeople should. After my audition, the owner of the dealership said he loved my "look" and my vocal delivery. Then the advertising agency lady made a sour face and proclaimed that she didn't see me smile once during my audition. I totally smiled! I did not get the part. It's not just sour-grapes when I say I'm glad I didn't get it, because I don't like the product or the sour-faced advertising agency lady. It would not be a fun job to have.

I joked with a friend later about the car commercial audition and the not smiling enough verdict. I recited the commercial script in a stony-faced, deadpan delivery and punctuated the ad copy with, "so come on down and buy an effing car. Then take me somewhere in your new car. Like to dinner or something." My friend laughed and said she thinks I greatly improved upon the ad copy.

Got the Agent, Doubting Their Judgement

2009-07-12T23:28:00.000-07:00

I finally got my agent. I interviewed the two main agents at the talent agency, and liked them. I read the contract. I filled out the paperwork. I signed the contract. I mailed everything to the agency. Sigh of relief, right?

I got an email from my agency to please go to a casting website and fill in my résumé. In the process of doing so, I saw the headshots that were selected and uploaded for me by my agency. These are the photos that casting directors will see when deciding who to choose for auditions. These photos should look like the actor, should make a great impression and should say, "hey, pick me".

I HATE the headshot photos of me that my agency chose and uploaded. In one, I have on so much makeup that I don't even look like myself and my hair looks terrible. The hair and makeup were courtesy of a goth-girl makeup artist who excused herself at one point during our session to go and barf due to "a wicked hangover". We're talking turquoise eye-shadow, people. These images were not photos that I selected to print from the photo session, but appeared on the CD of all images from the session. They are gross. They do not look like me. The impression they might make is dubious, at best. Perhaps they'll say, "hey, pick me to play the dead hooker in the alley".

Part of the contract I signed with the agency stipulates that the agency gets to pick which photographs they submit for auditions. I worked so hard to get an agent, and now, the first decision they make on my behalf is more than a bit disheartening.

The silver lining on this massive thunderhead of a cloud is that my agency has nothing to do with my theater work. I still call the shots with anything on the stage or performed live. That will remain mine, and mine alone, as will all the money I make doing stage work. Thus far, earnings from stage work and film/TV work are neck-in-neck.

Even if the (in my very opinionated opinion) terrible photos of me that my agency chose never get me another film audition, I still have the stage.

Yeah, I'm a bit sick to my stomach over this. Must smile and nod. Agent knows best.

Mayhaps I Have an Agent

2009-06-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

Thursday I meet with my possible new agent. This talent agent was not my first choice, but certainly wasn't on the "hell no" list. Thanks, Universe.

An unrelated note on etiquette: Never, ever walk up to a friend who acts for either a living or for a hobby and burp out the phrase "still acting?", unless it is your express intent to offend and demean your friend's chosen craft / hobby. Also don't be surprised if I bark "still doing all that boring mess you do that no one cares about?" in response. Jerkwad.

Go Ahead and Judge, I Got a Rock for Your Glass House

2009-06-16T16:27:00.000-07:00

Acting at this point is less of a profession for me, and more of an expensive hobby. I barely break even between expenses and earnings each year. (Yes, IRS, I report my earnings and expenses truthfully!)

Recently I took part in an acting class that was (not exactly) guaranteed to help me land a talent agent. In the past, I've had good luck booking extra and featured extra roles myself. The upside to this is that I keep all the money I earn. The downside to representing myself is that I obviously don't have access to as many roles as the talent agents do. So it's time for an agent! I spent $225 on this class which was supposed to last seven weeks, but ended up lasting eleven weeks. My wallet and calendar were taken hostage by this class. At the urging of the acting coach, I ended up shelling out an additional $701 for new actor photos & prints, media kit supplies, costume pieces and props.

On the night of the big showcase I remembered all my lines and gave scene performances that made me proud for an audience of talent agents and casting directors. After the showcase, my peers hailed me as the best in the class. The talent agent I most wanted to court complimented me on great performances. One of the casting directors introduced herself, and another casting director remembered me from my past work with him. The (fear-inspiring, outspoken, very opinionated) acting coach hugged me and said my scenes "were perfect". BUT (and it is a HUGE but), a week later, I still haven't had an offer from an agent. Yep, it's demoralizing.

People tell me I'm a good actress. People say I don't break their camera lenses. I lost 32 pounds in pursuit of an acting career. I exercise. I eat healthfully. I moisturize. I remember my lines. I show up on time. I bring my props and costumes/wardrobe. I respond promptly to any and all inquiries for work. I bring my 8x10 photos with résumés trimmed and attached. I am ready for this, dammit! Come on, Universe!

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are `It might have been.' " -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

I don't mind if I'm a has-been actress someday, as long as I'm not a never-been actress.