Six Degrees of Separation

My wonderfully supportive better-half previously worked in advertising. Though he took off to pursue other ventures over eighteen months ago, we still socialize with his ad buddies. I knew the day would come when I'd have to audition for one of our acquaintances. That day was Saturday.

Mercifully the audition was taped by a casting director (this one I like quite well) to be viewed by our quirky yet intimidating, advertising-guru-friend a later time.

I did not get the part.

I hope that the next time I see this person from the ad company, neither of us mentions the audition tape. It wasn't that I did a bad job. I did a good (not great) job. The whole situation is just a bit awkward.

Thank goodness I never had to audition for any commercial projects my better-half produced. That would have been unbearable.

SAG Overtime Rocks my Checking Account!

About six weeks ago I complained about the horrendous overtime I worked on a commercial shoot. That was before I knew what a nice paycheck all that overtime would yield on a shoot adhering to Screen Actors Guild rules. I'm not saying that I suddenly decided I enjoyed the sixteen-hour day (or nineteen-hour day including drive time), but I'd do it again for that amount of money. My financial and time investments into getting a talent agent have payed off. (Yes, my lovely, hardworking agents secured this job for me.) I've broken even. Hallelujah!

The oddest part of this adventure into SAG-Overtime-Land is that no one will see me in the commercial. At best I'll be a blur in the background - a very expensive blur.

I'm happy to have the money, but I'm sure whoever got stuck with all the unexpected expenditures of that (out of control and way over budget) commercial shoot is not at all happy to pay the many people involved in the project. The lesson: don't make actors and crew do the time if you can't pay for your crime. Sheriff SAG patrols these here parts, and he suffers no fools.

So That's What it Feels Like

I finally had a good, no, a great commercial audition! I tried out for two different roles in a series of commercials. The first role went well enough, but I had a little trouble with the second role. The casting director (one that scares the bejeezus out of me) gave a few constructive notes and sent me back out to the hallway to work. Fifteen minutes later I marched back into the audition room and nailed it! The uber-intimidating casting director smiled big (the first time I've seen this person smile genuinely) and said, "Great job! Nice adjustment!" I was so pleased, I gave a "woo!" of joy right there in the room.

I did not get the part (unless they're waiting four weeks to announce casting), but having a great commercial audition raised my confidence for-sure. And that casting director no longer scares the bejeezus out of me. I'm all for constructive direction!

Not at all Glamorous

Late Sunday evening, I got a call from my agent that I booked a role as a customer for a national SAG commercial. Score! I'd need to drive 90 miles each way to another city for the shoot, but I'd be reimbursed for mileage. Great! I got an email letting me know when I needed to be where and what type of clothes to bring. Can do!

A mere twelve hours after my agent's phone call, I arrived at the location and was directed into a parking spot. I signed in and did my paperwork. One of the production ladies told me that the call time was pushed back half an hour, didn't I get the message?, no, oh well. My first half hour would be unpaid. No big! I asked about my mileage reimbursement. The Production Assistant and the Production Coordinator whispered to each other that I would not be eligible for mileage money, but they never bothered to answer me directly.

Then I sat in an air-conditioned trailer for about ten hours chatting with other cast and crew members, reading a magazine cover-to-cover, drinking water, nibbling stale pretzels and texting my husband about how bored I was.

Finally I was ushered to the set. I rehearsed the short scene a few times. Then the director decided he didn't like what I was wearing, and sent me with the wardrobe lady to change clothes. He wanted me in a style of clothes completely different from all the clothes I was instructed to bring, and had lugged into the wardrobe room. Thank goodness the wardrobe ladies were prepared for such contingencies and steamed the wrinkles out of an outfit for me. Thank goodness the outfit fit my curvy figure. I had to leave the itchy price-tags attached and tucked into the clothes against my skin, so that the wardrobe peeps can return the worn clothes when the shoot is over. Ewww.

I went back to set, where the director approved of the new outfit. I spent half an hour walking back and forth pretending to admire goods in the store. Because the shoot was running so far behind schedule, and because the sun had set, super-bright lights were employed to make it look like daytime. The super-bright lights inspired lots of sweat and high temperatures. When sound is being recorded, the air-conditioners and fans must be turned off so as not to interfere with the sound. Cue more sweat.

After finishing my scene, I exited the sweaty set to get a cold drink and cool off. Within ten minutes, a Production Assistant was sent to wrangle me back into the sweaty room, where I was instructed to sit and wait out of view and out of the way in case they needed me again. So I sat. And sat. And sat. For another four hours. Finally one of the guys who actually gave a hoot about the budget asked why I, along with two other actors, were still there. Could we go? Hold on. They'll check. Ten minutes later, we were allowed to leave. I put my own clothes back on my body. I lugged all of my clothes, shoes and accessories back to my car. None of the strong men standing around offered to help me. I got in my car and drove 90 miles home, singing loudly with all the AC vents pointed at my face to stay awake.

Making commercials, movies and TV shows is not at all glamorous. Red carpet events and movie premieres are only about 1% of the job and only for the top 1% of celebrities. You've been warned, aspiring actors and crew.

Friend in Common/Awful Audition

Today's audition was of the commercial variety. (Faithful readers know how much I loathe commercial auditions.) The maker of a high-tech medical gizmo wants video of a spokesperson inviting medical professionals into their booth at trade shows. Since I am not currently a medical professional, and never have been, I spent a while googling all the medical jargon and the gizmo. I figured out what was what in the script and memorized the 3/4 page of copy.

I showed up for the audition today feeling fine. While I waited for my turn, I noticed the casting lady eyeballing me every time she came out into the waiting area. This is a new casting lady that I'd never met before. When I got into the actual audition room, the casting lady introduced herself. She said I looked soooo familiar to her and that my name was also familiar. We spent a few minutes figuring out that we have a fancy producer/director friend in common. This fancy friend forwarded my headshot and acting résumé to the casting lady a few months ago. Thanks so much, fancy friend!

Then I started my audition for the medical gizmo. I stumbled over my words and said the multi-letter, multi-number product name incorrectly. I got all kinds of nervous and generally gave the worst audition of my life. The casting lady was super-nice about it and gave me a second chance, which was also awful. By the time she said, "cut", for my audition tape, all I could do was smile at her sheepishly and say, "I'm sorry." She smiled and said not to worry about it. She said she would tell our fancy friend that she finally got to meet me. Great... I hope she doesn't tell him how utterly dreadful my audition was. Blerg.

It's a Boy!

Last Thursday's audition went well. I did not get the part, but I did get in front of the casting folks for the new ABC television series My Generation which films in my hometown. This is a win-win situation that I didn't get the part actually, because if I had gotten the part, I would have to act like I was having a baby (one of the male leads for the show). I've never given birth to a baby, but the casting ladies said I did a great job in my audition. I hope that now that they have met me, they will remember me when a part comes along that I might be good for that does NOT involve me acting like I'm giving birth.

Positive Energy

I don't like to jinx things. Loyal readers, please send me happy thoughts Thursday around 1:00 PM Central Time. I have an audition. It's not for a commercial. I'll divulge more after the audition.

I'm also just emerging from a miserable stomach bug. Ugh. I'm gonna get lots of rest Wednesday while I prepare for the audition.

I want to take a second and wish all of you well in your endeavors! Break a leg! Best wishes! Go get 'em, Tiger! Whether you're job-hunting (Ms. J), auditioning, pitching a big proposal or have an adult league kickball game (Ms. R), I hope it goes well and you have some fun in the process or at least gain some interesting anecdotes.

Group hug! No? Maybe next time.

Finally!

I've broken the infinite loop of annoyance in regards to the casting website! It took quite a bit of sleuthing on my part to unravel the tangled misdirections. Luckily, I have lots of experience playing the detective in those dinner mystery shows I do.

The very nice casting director misspelled my last name when adding me to the website. Even though I corrected the misspelling, my name did not appear correctly. I had to create a whole new account with the correct spelling.

My agency sent me their code for the website in all lower-case letters. The code did not work. After several frustrating attempts to log on to the website, I tried the code in all capital letters. Success! Access granted!

Creating the new account, updating my résumé and uploading photos took about three hours. Troubleshooting this whole mess of where my account disappeared to and why the website would not admit me took four hours and many, many curse words.

Anyone who says that acting is not work is a misinformed fool.

Caught in an Infinite Loop of Annoyance

Last week I received a strongly worded email from my agent reprimanding those of us who have not signed up for a certain casting website service, and further reprimanding those of us who have signed up for the service for not adding photos to our profiles. A casting director created an account for me on this website service many months ago. I updated my profile and size information as directed by an email from the service. I thought that everything was fine.

My agency wants all of the talent to also upload photos and résumés to this casting website. The email from my agency insists that it's easy to add these items and that each person must take care of this for themselves.

However, the casting website says that our talent agent should create our accounts and upload our photos. Also, the agent code that my agency gave me (after I emailed them to ask for help) to log into the website does not work.

So my agency says I have to update my materials for the website for myself. The website says that my agent has to update my materials for me.

I'm annoyed: at myself for surely missing something obvious here; at my agency for not providing clear, step-by-step instructions on how to create the accounts for this website service; at the website architects for not making the website more user-friendly. There is no section on the website for "help" or "frequently asked questions".

I saved the original email from the website service that links to my profile information. I followed the link again, and there is no spot or further link for me to add photos or résumé to my profile. I simply get a dead-end message that thanks me for updating my profile.

Holiday Weekend? Too bad.

Saturday morning I received an email from my agent that I need to tape myself doing an audition and email it. I ignored the email because it is a holiday weekend. I'll get to it Monday. Also, if I get the part (which I won't) I'll have to go to another state to film the commercial - a state not known for their tourist trade.

When taping auditions, I need someone else to operate the camera, good natural light, absolute silence on this busy street on which I live, absolute silence from my pets, a monochromatic backdrop that is not lighter than my skin tone. I have to slate before and after my lines. Then I beg my husband to help me upload and send the video in the proper format. This all takes time, not to mention the time it takes me to put together the right outfit, fix my unruly hair and apply makeup enough that my features show up on the consumer grade video, but not so much that I look like a Vegas showgirl.

I hope my hardworking agent, who had to take time out of her holiday weekend to email me, understands when she doesn't get my video until Monday afternoon.

Weirdest. Request. Ever.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't the absolute weirdest request ever, but certainly the weirdest one I've heard at an audition. I got a notification for another audition this week. This audition would be in town (cool) with no lines to memorize (great), but I had to wear business attire (not my fave, but okay). So I put on my stockings and my skirt suit with jacket in 97 degree weather and made the short journey to the audition. This one was with a casting guy I like pretty well. He's never made me smile until my face contorted with muscle spasms. I've never left an audition with him wanting to cry.

As he's leading me into the audition room, he asks if I've done any stunt work. Nope. He asks if I ever ride horses. It's been a while, but yes. He asks if I'd be comfortable riding a mechanical bull. Um... do you mean today... in my skirt suit with jacket and stockings? Spoiler alert: I did not have to ride the mechanical bull at the audition. Phew! What a relief! However, I might have to ride one if cast. Then the casting guy instructed me to say on my audition tape that I would only ride the mechanical bull if there was proper padding on the ground and if the stunt was choreographed and supervised for safety. Gulp! So I said that on my audition tape. The casting guy was looking out for my well-being, kind of. I knew there was a reason I liked him, kind of.

It's been thirty-six hours and no word. I probably don't have to worry my pretty little head about getting on the bull. The more I think about it though, the more fun it sounds, kind of.

But It's with Darrell!

I don't shop at that-big-chain-store-that-shall-not-be-named. In general, I don't like the concept of big-box stores, and hate the experience of shopping in them even more. I try to keep my sales tax money and my purchasing at local businesses when I can. When I can't find items locally, I buy online and have my purchases conveniently delivered to my porch.

Imagine my chagrin when I was asked, with only sixteen hours notice, to drive three hours each way to a different city to be audition for that-big-chain-store-that-shall-not-be-named commercial. My initial reaction was to do like Nancy Reagan urged, and just say no. Then I read the script and saw that the commercial will be with Darrell, the current commercial spokesman for that-big-chain-store-that-shall-not-be-named. I love that guy. He exudes charm and humor. He nails the delivery. He makes me turn the sound back on during his commercials and actually watch.

I rearranged my schedule, memorized the commercial script, and drove three hours each way (uphill both ways) for that audition. The casting lady for this audition, who just happens to be my favorite casting lady, said I did a good job, but it's been over forty-eight hours with no news. And you remember that no news (all together now) is bad news for professional actors.

Oh well. I won't get to meet Darrell, but I also won't endorse a place I don't want to endorse.

Disclaimer: If by some miracle, I do land the commercial, I'll be deleting this blog post faster than ice cream melts on a hot day in Texas.

What am I Doing?

First, the good news: I got paid for acting in a dinner mystery show Friday. The audience seemed to enjoy it. I had fun. I also got some free food. That was nice.

I had an audition last week for some actual acting in a film; not a commercial! The character for which I auditioned dies early in the script, but I gave that audition my best. I remembered all the lines, in the correct order even! The casting people only made me do one take, and said "great job!" with sincere smiles. The film's budget is low, but is SAG scale!

Now, the bad news: I have not heard a peep from either my agent or the casting people about the movie. Remember that in the professional actor's life, no news is BAD news. Dadgummit!

What do I think I'm doing trying to be a professional actress? Maybe I'll just go back to being an "extra". There's a much lower barrier to "extra" work, and it usually pays, unlike all of these fruitless auditions I've been going on for nearly a year.

I have a hopeful fear that my agency will drop me soon. Hopeful because if they drop me, I won't have to go on any more of these painful, high-pressure auditions. Fear because I don't want to be dropped. It's like getting fired or dumped.

Expensive Wakeup Call

I got an email today from a thoughtful, well-connected friend asking if I'd like to do some voiceover work later this week. Due to the tight turnaround time, I'd need to submit my voice reel rather than audition. Um, yeah, I've neglected to make a voice reel. I know of a class I can take in town that teaches voiceover techniques. The class costs $250, and does not include production of a voice reel. There was a lady in town who taught voiceover and helped students make a professional reel, but she does not have any future workshops scheduled. I've heard that her series of classes to get a voice reel run about $600.

Very sheepishly, I emailed my well-intentioned friend and admitted that I don't have a voice reel. She encouraged me by stating that it was too bad, because, "I know you could knock this one out of the park."

I'm at a crossroads. My pursuit of a professional acting career is getting ridiculously expensive. In 2009, I spent over $1500 on actor photos, acting classes/workshops and web hosting fees for my acting website. This "business" feels like such a racket.

For several years prior to 2008, I did only stage acting. I made good money doing dinner theater shows and so-so money acting in shows at small, local theatres. I sometimes brought photos of myself to auditions, but did not have to pay for professional headshots. I didn't take any acting classes, because I was too busy holding down day jobs and actually acting.

The jump from stage to screen acting has been so flipping expensive it boggles my mind. I've had limited, small successes with small paychecks for my screen work. I booked all those roles myself, combing the actor resource websites each day and hustling to get work. In the interest of total disclosure, I have not booked a single job based on auditions arranged by my agent. They send me on commercial auditions, and I'm not a super-smiley, fast-talker as I've previously mentioned on this blog. I'm an actress, dangit; not a talking head.

My quandaries: whether or not to pour more money into new headshot photos as requested by my agent; whether or not to pour more money into a voiceover class and making a voice reel; whether or not to pour more money into more classes in hopes of getting myself out there and making some new connections. My instinct tells me to cut and run. I can still do stage work and make a bit of money without all of these expensive prerequisites. However, I worry that I might later regret not making more of a wholehearted/whole-wallet attempt at an acting career.

Add to this heap of insecurity the fact that I don't live in Los Angeles. If an actor wants a screen role with more than three lines, it is typically cast in LA, not in the actual city where the project is filming. Even Law & Order is leaving New York City for LA. Now those New York actors are stuck with mostly stage prospects. My city calls itself "the third coast", but there are more projects filming in Michigan and Louisiana than here over the past few years.

What's a sometime actress to do?

I do not want to pay for more photos. I swear my look has not changed over the past eleven months since my last (expensive) photo session. And my look had not changed in the thirteen months since the previous photo session. If I get a tattoo on my face or chop/dye my hair drastically, then I might be persuaded to pay for new photos.

I think I will take the $250 voiceover class. Maybe I can make my own voice reel on the computer after hearing some other actors' voice reels.

I might also take a dialect class that I've been intrigued by for a few years, but not bother with classes that seem more like expensive networking and less like true instruction.

I'll Never Be Famous

There is not much going on in my professional acting life recently.

I emceed an interactive dinner mystery show for a group of Shriners a few weeks ago. The Shriners were polite, fun and paid on time.

I could have worked as an extra in the stands of a football game for Friday Night Lights this weekend. Seeing as how "featured extra" is already on my résumé for that show, I declined to work 16 hours outside in late May in Texas.

At this rate, I'll never be famous. No unflattering photos of me in Star, Us Weekly or People. No one hounding me for an autograph while I'm in line for a public bathroom. No borrowing blood-diamonds from Harry Winston for the red carpet events.

Actually, I'm fine with this.

Call Me Debbie Downer

You know those people who you avoid hanging out with because of their unbridled pessimism and bad attitude? When it comes to my commercial auditions, I'm such a Debbie Downer. I wince each time I see my agent's phone number on the caller ID, because 95% of the time they have an audition for me, it's a commercial audition. I should do a little happy dance and adjust my attitude to be grateful for opportunity, but instead I wonder what foolishness I'll have to endure at the audition. I get especially peeved when I have to drive to another city for an audition, like I did today, during a monsoon no less.

Today's audition was for the role of the non-speaking, but super proud, mom in a teach-your-kids-to-read product endorsement. The positives: the casting agent was politely professional and totally put me at ease; no face-muscle spasms; the little girl I auditioned with was so cute and had an instant rapport with me; the casting agent genuinely thanked me for auditioning. The negatives: the aforementioned driving to another city in hard rain on slick freeways with 70 MPH speed limits - which meant everyone drove 85 MPH despite the rain; saw lots of wrecks and near-misses on driving trip; the little girl I auditioned with was supposed to be able to read, but clearly couldn't; the little girl's mom was not a happy camper and claimed that the talent agent didn't relay the audition information to her. It's a cardinal sin to blame things on your talent agent. Most of the time, they're BFFs (or at least pretend to be for professional reasons) with the casting people. Anything you say can, and will, be used against you, and will be relayed to your talent agent. No smack-talk! Get your details straight. Call or email your agent if you have questions.

Kiss the ground! I made it home in one piece. If I get a call-back audition for this role, I'll have to drive to a different city that's even farther away. Uh-oh, here comes Debbie Downer hoping she doesn't get a call-back. Oh, DD, hush. No one wants to hear that stinkin' thinkin'.

In case you were in suspense about my last post, I did not get the burger commercial. I'm still a vegetarian who doesn't buy leather or animal-based epoxies. Never say never though...

Vegetarian in Burger Commercial?

I haven't eaten red meat for eight years, and no poultry or fish in three years. I haven't bought leather in years either. Wednesday I have an audition for a burger chain commercial. Umm...

During the audition, we'll be biting into empty burger buns. That's vegetarian friendly, so no worries. It's probably a non-issue since I'm bad at commercial auditions and have only been in one TV ad campaign to date. (It was also for a restaurant chain. I had to drink cranberry juice posing as wine and eat vegetarian spaghetti and marinara sauce. Totally fine, except for the cursed 5:00 AM call time.)

The funny coincidence is that lately, I've had some pretty powerful cravings for meat. Not for hormone-free, antibiotic-free, free-range chicken; but for a greasy, questionably raised, red meat hamburger. With cheese. From the particular restaurant chain that I'm auditioning for the commercial.

Here's how I see it: I'm not good at commercial auditions what with the crazy smiling face-muscle spasms, so I probably won't be cast, and can try really hard to continue my vegetarian/no-leather-wearing ways despite the growing frequency of meat cravings and growing cuteness of leather shoes. However, if by some miracle of miracles I am cast for the commercial, I will tell myself that my body is craving meat, so I must need it, and that when I ate meat, I enjoyed this burger chain above all others, so it's a true endorsement, and I will enjoy every bite of that burger. With cheese.

Fun Day at the Lake... In the Snow

Sunday I went kayaking in the most beautiful, lovely spring-like weather. Then Tuesday I watched marvelous fat snowflakes fall and blanket my yard with an inch-and-a-half of cold beauty. The street in front of my house was slushy. My 55-pound, sweet, mixed-breed dog did not find the weather as delightful as I did. She refused to walk far, even (or maybe especially) in her doggy parka. Tuesday also happened to be the day I auditioned for a boat commercial. The casting call said to wear clothes for "a fun day at the lake". Thankfully the audition was not at the lake, but at a hotel meeting room. Like most sane people would, I wore snow-appropriate clothes to the hotel, then changed into my lake wardrobe in the lobby bathroom. At least two people I saw walked into the lobby (from the snowy parking lot) in shorts, tee-shirt and flip-flops. Maybe they were raised in the arctic north and thought that Tuesday's high temperature of 34 degrees Fahrenheit was toasty-warm. Maybe I'm a wuss about the cold.

There were kids at this audition too. Some cuter and much better behaved than others. One little dude was very professional and polite, waiting patiently with his mom in the lobby and following directions to the letter. The young man who auditioned with me was a bit more spirited and wily. He was six-years-old, and told the casting lady that he liked his backyard pool, but that there was NO way he would get in a lake. Of course the boat to be featured in the commercial would not fit into his pool, so I doubt he'll get cast.

While in the waiting area, I witnessed two siblings (a girl and a boy) arrive with their harried-looking mom. The children squawked noisily at each other and started pulling on doors despite the audition facilitator asking them to please have a seat and wait quietly. Finally the facilitator had to say, "Please don't go in there yet. They're filming other people right now. You need to be quiet." The little girl puffed out her chest and cheeks and pronounced loudly to her mother and anyone else in the captive audience, "this is no fun at all. Let's go." The she swanned grandly down the hall. The mom did not apologize for her daughter's haughty proclamation. I'm guessing that neither of those siblings will be cast.

As a former receptionist, let me tell you that when arriving for a job interview or audition, you should behave appropriately and politely to everyone. EVERYONE. Whether it's the doorman, the receptionist or the other people in the waiting area, word will get back to the hiring/casting powers if you behave poorly. I know at least one casting director that admits to placing spies in the waiting area to help identify brats of all ages.

My audition went well. No face spasms from forced insincere smiles! During the tell-us-a-little-about-yourself segment I think I got bonus points for telling about how I spent my summers at my grandparents lakehouse learning to water-ski and slalom. (Nothing but the truth.) I should know by Tuesday if I got the part -- fingers crossed.

In the acting world, no news is actually bad news. The "don't call us, we'll call you" line is true. Also, when auditioning to be part of a family, you have to look like you belong with the significant-other and like the offspring could be yours. I'm up against luck, skill and genetics for this particular commercial since it will feature a pretend family. Please, please don't make me be the pretend mom of that haughty little girl from the waiting area.

Human After All

No weird facial tics during the commercial audition today. Phew! I don't think I'll get the part though, because there are fifty lovely ladies up for a single role. The odds aren't with me.

I auditioned with the same casting lady from Saturday. While waiting in the hall for my turn in front of the camera, I witnessed casting lady listen to a voice-mail informing her that half of the extras she already booked for another commercial were cut because of the budget. Casting lady got a little misty-eyed at having to tell ten people that the commercial job they thought they had wasn't going to happen after all. Casting lady excused herself for a moment then came back into the hall and explained to all waiting that she knows rejection is tough for actors. She said she feels our pain when she has to pull-the-plug on a part we thought we had.

Casting lady then came into the audition room with me, and chatted me up about some past projects we worked on together. She was really nice. That's probably why I made it through today's audition without any face spasms.

Super...

Just after my last blog post I got an email that I have another commercial audition with the same casting lady Monday. She's made it clear that I look middle-aged to her, so I hope the client is looking for an older actress.

Last night while watching TV, I remembered that yesterday's casting lady is the same casting lady who asked me if I'd do nudity for a twenty-something character in a movie a few months ago. I told her I wanted to be audition for the thirty-something soccer mom, and... (wait for it...) she said I looked too young to be the soccer mom.

Have I aged ten years in a matter of months? I think not. Maybe casting lady got new glasses.

Another Flippin' Commercial Audition

It's old news that I hate commercial auditions. I want to cry after most of them. I get nervous before a commercial audition -- not the good, healthy nervousness that provides an extra jolt of energy and sparkle; more like the bad nervousness that makes my mouth go dry and my cheek muscles shake with effort when I smile big about the product. Ugh. I probably look like I have some sort of nervous facial tic in most auditions.

I found out about today's audition at 4:00 PM yesterday. I already had plans to attend book club out in the suburbs this morning, which I very much looked forward to attending. Then I got four emails and three phone calls yesterday afternoon for this audition. If you are alive, you are expected to attend auditions. There are no excused absences for illness, bad hair day or previous plans. You MUST go. So I only got to stay at book club for an hour before making the forty-five minute drive downtown to my audition.

The audition was for a home decor supply store. The scene is a mother and twenty-something daughter shopping for home decor supplies and then telling all their acquaintances how great the service, selection and prices are at the store. I was supposed to be reading for the twenty-something daughter, and memorized the lines for that part. When I arrived at the audition, the casting lady walked in and said, "you're the mom". What the frak?! I know that I'm actually in my mid-thirties, but on a good day I pass for late-twenties. There's no way I look fifty. So I smile and nod (while trying not to cry) and memorize the Mom's lines quickly. I try to roll with the punches -- emotional punches delivered straight to my insecurities.

I walk into the audition room. The client, who happens to be a man, says twice that I should read for the daughter, not the mom. The client-man says I look like I'm in my twenties and there's no way I should be the mom. The casting lady does not like this, and says I look middle-aged and that I could only be the daughter if they go with a much older actress for the mom. Twice. She says this twice. The client-man then says AGAIN that I look young. Thank you, client-man, really.

So I do an okay audition and remember the lines even though they've switched up my parts twice. I smile. I take a note on delivery of one of the lines from the client-man and do it again. Then it happened, right at the end of the second take, my cheek muscles shook a bit from smiling so long and so big combined with utter nervousness and humiliation.

Fail.